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Tuesday, March 5, 2013

How I got started: First Kiss

I was at my friends when we heard about a house party. My friend Megan explained to us, “Okay guys so there is a party at my friends house that I work with… rule though… No vomiting.” It seemed easy enough to all of us to agree that that was a simple enough rule to obey.
 We got some Mikes hard lemonade threw it in some water bottles and started drinking on our walk over. It was a nice cool day in May, sweatshirt and Capri weather. I remember this because I was wearing a band sweatshirt I had stolen from my sister because I thought it made me look cool. I was 15 at the time, end of my sophomore year of high school, not a care in the world.
By the time our walk was over we were all a little tipsy. We continued drinking among the many people at this party. It was very apparent that we were the youngest people at this party. It was my friends Stephanie, Megan, Krista and Matt with me. I cannot remember the details of the night but I do recall me breaking the one rule…
There I was on the front lawn puking my brains out. Megan next to me with Stephanie, I stuttered, “Im soooo sorry.” Megan laughed, she always does, she wasn’t upset with me. I was able to build some composure and go back inside. Now inside a big man approaches me, We will call him “Mike”, I do not recall his real name. He was one of the people whom was hosting the party. He was about 17 or 18 and had a pretty big build. He brings me into a room where my friend Krista and a guy were making out on a bed. King sized bed that is we proceed to go on the other half. Megan, some guy and Stephanie end up following us in and plop on the floor. This is when it happened…

Mike started to sweet talk me. Before this moment I had never kissed a guy, not even a peck. Little girls picture their first kiss over and over again. This is not how I ever imagined it to be. Drunk, puck mouth, with an overweight man who was clearly trying to take advantage of a drunk 15 year old girl. Hot! I know.

So we started to kiss. Don’t forget Krista right there next to me making out with her boy. Megan on floor with a boy trying to get in her pants as Stephanie lays with her head in Megan’s crotch to prevent it. And here I am drunkly having this man heavy breathing and slobbering all over my face. Next thing I notice is that he has whipped it out!! And takes my hand and puts it on it. I made a few movements with my hand on his junk. Then he tries undoing my button to my pants and slipping his hand down. I use my other hand to pull his hand away and I take my other hand away from his area. He quickly gets up angrily and proceeds to go to another room and I assume to rub one out. Later I find out he had tried to stick his hand down Stephanie’s pants and she had slapped him. Yup, and that is how I had my first kiss. 
Forever tainted.

#first #kiss #firstkiss #dating #party #drinking

Monday, March 4, 2013

Are they ready for a committed relationship?

I have been on both ends of this issue. I have been the person who was looking for a relationship and invested months of time with someone who just wanted causal dating because committing was something they just were not ready for. At the same time, I have been that person who could not commit. It's tricky and frustrating especially when each party is interested but are looking for different outcomes. If you are looking for a relationship and do not want to get caught up investing months of time for no end result please read on...

1. You are never going to be able to truly change someones mind about whether they want to commit to you or not. If they do decide to commit before they are ready... odds are its going to end as quick as it started or it is just going to be a very unhealthy relationship because one party was not truly ready.

2. Ask the other person how long ago their last relationship ended. I can personally say I have gotten back on the online dating scene as early as 12 hours after a relationship ended (its a good distraction). Finding this out is key to know what they are looking for. Of course people can lie... who wants to answer "uhh yesterday." I'd say 6 months is a safe point to think this person is ready.

3. Ask the other person how long their last relationship lasted. This will tell you whether they can hold a relationship for a long time and how serious their last relationship was. My worst experience with someone who was not ready to commit was someone who had broken up with his girlfriend over a year before we met but they dated for five years. Remember the longer the relationship the longer it takes for someone to get over it.

4. Ask why they broke up. Most times you will get a vague answer to this questions but occasionally you will get a more in-depth answer. If they say their ex cheated on them, this could mean trouble. Most people after being cheated on have difficulty committing again because it is hard for them to trust someone.

5. If you have done all this and you have gone on a few dates then you are in the clear to simply ask, "What are you looking for?" You can ask this question before meeting but I believe you will get a more sincere answer after a few dates because at this point the person will know if you are someone they would be willing to commit to in the future.

Now what do you do if you are really interested in someone but they simply are not ready and have told you this. You have to do what you think is in your best interest. You have to remember as much as we wish and hope for someone to change their mind we are not miracle workers and eventually you will become frustrated with the dead end you keep approaching. I would never advise to cut and run when someone says they are not ready but I would advise leaving your options open. In my opinion if someone is willing to hangout occasionally and fool around but states they are not ready for a committed relationship there is more to it. You might not have the "It" factor that will push them to break their barriers down and go against what is stopping them from a relationship. It isn't your fault, its just sometimes there is just something missing. You really need to gauge it and remember that your emotional state and your interests is what you need to protect.

Like I have said I have been in both seats in this situation.

When you are the person not ready to honest. Tell people you are just dating and seeing where things go. Say that you are looking for someone who gives you  that "whoa" factor. There is nothing wrong with that and in my experience sometimes makes people more interested because they want to be the one to be that "whoa" factor for you. Don't just stop talking to someone without explanation. If you feel you will never be able to commit, like I said be honest!

Now I have been in the other seat twice and both times the guy was semi honest. I am the type of person where I want to "fix" people. What I am learning with age, is a person needs to be willing to be "fixed" in order to get "fixed."

The first guy I dated for three months. He had been in a 5 and a half relationship that ended a year prior to us meeting but I learned over time that his ex cheated on him and that was his only real relationship. He explained that he wanted to take things slow. Slow was an understatement. I am no sex crazed person but 3 months of just making out made me near insane. I also wanted to figure out where the heck things were going. I told him I was going to end things because I couldn't handle it anymore and he cried that he was trying and for me not to give up on him. You would think,  "Great! You had a break through!" That is what I thought, got my hopes up again to get a text a week later saying "I'm not ready for this." I asked for him to call me, he never texted back and never called, that was the last thing he ever said.

Guy number 2 I hung out with for about 4 months and he was.... Maybe too honest. I used to be a little bit of a heavier girl, never had an issue getting a date or a boyfriend but was not in my best shape. Me and this guy went on a few dates and started to get more serious and our dates became more frequent. Until one day he said  things weren't working. The next day he texted and said he'd like to hangout to explain better what he meant. He had been a heavier guy before I met him and had lost a decent amount of  weight. He shared with me that he was attracted to me but did not think he could commit to a heavier girl, most girls would have slapped him, I laughed. (His reasons were pretty in-depth and not entirely based off a superficial level) I had already started a new diet and a kickboxing program. I told him he should never say that to a girl ever again or I would kick his ass. Long story short, this was about a month in...  I said I was working on losing weight so lets see where things go. I ended up losing 30 lbs and he expressed how he had never been more attracted to someone which I believe was sincere, why would he start lying now, but guess what? He still couldn't commit. At this point I threw in the towel because I was at my breaking point. I knew I could not handle anymore from this. And that was that.

So honestly... you can't assume because someone is on a dating site they are ready or looking for a relationship. Be inquisitive and an investigator. Know your limits. Do not get too involved in something that will bring you to the point you feel you can't get out. Remember there are soooo many people in this world, this one person driving you up a wall might not be worth it. Sometimes things are just missing....

#relationships #online #dating #onlinedating #aretheyready #commit #committing #honesty

Friday, March 1, 2013

Funny Date Experience: He thought he was texting his friend.

I felt the need for a quick date horror story I encountered that ended the following day with an extremely funny ending ….

So I had recently ended things with a guy I was “dating.” No titles were given, but we were  exclusively seeing each other for about 3 months.  He ended things by a simple text that read, “I’m not ready for this” and I never heard from again… but that is another story that will be told at a later date. Point being, after things ended I went back to my typical online dating rampage. I started messaging and responding to people like it was my job. Mostly I looking for distractions and potentially that next “mister right.” Well this man whom I started to talk to I knew off the bat I would not be entirely interested in but I was in the state of mind to “give people a shot.” This is one of the times I wish I would have followed my own advice and trusted my instincts.

His photos followed all my rules of having people in them, but he did not have a Facebook.  He explained since he worked with kids he did not want one for them to find which I found as a decent reason but it should have sent off a bigger red flag for me. We chatted on the site OkCupid for a few days then quickly exchanged numbers. Now I am not the best writer (which you are probably starting to notice if you have been reading my posts) but I am intelligent. This guy had no concept of anything and used slang left and right and sounded extremely (excuse my terminology) “ghetto.” We spoke on the phone and oh my goodness it was even worse. Everything was telling me "do not meet up with this guy." Well, it was Cinco de Mayo and I had plans to go bar hopping in a local port area with a friend. He called when I was driving home from work and asked what I was up to for the night, I expressed how I was going out with my friend. He instantly said, “I will get some friends together and meet you down there,” completely inviting himself.  I am a fairly honest person, sometimes too honest. I told him, “You can come down, but just warning I am going out with my friend and If we don’t stay with you guys do not take it personally, regardless it’s a fun area and you guys will enjoy it.” He responded, “So you are going to ditch me?” I responded, “Uhhh Potentially?” He decided to still come. I was dreading it before he even got there…..

I ended up meeting up with more people than just my one friend. We were all sitting at a big table in the back of a bar playing a card game when the guy and his two friends arrived. I could tell it was the same guy that was in the photo but those were definitely his better pictures. His friends were interesting fellas who barely spoke English and were of Indian descent. One of which looked to be in his 40’s and had his shirt half unbuttoned displaying his hairy chest… hot! And just an idea of my age at the time was 23 and everyone else was around the same age. They were extremely awkward and made passes at my friends whom I was with including the guy who was “supposed” to be interested in me. They made everyone at the table uncomfortable and by this time I was a little drunk, the guys got up to go to the bar to get another drink and our group found it a good time to exit…. Mean, I know, but C’mon I warned the guy before coming out and they were creepy. He ended up texting me asking where I went… I never responded… then texted again saying “I had fun let’s do it again” before the night was over… I was too drunk to respond. So I waited till the next day….

I am not the type of person to not text someone back, especially if I have met them in person. I believe honesty is the best policy but these few exchanges of texts are priceless…

He had texted about 1:30 am- “I had fun let’s do it again”

I texted back around 11am the next morning something like- “Hey, I am really sorry It was really nice meeting you but you aren’t really my type and I wouldn’t want to lead you on.”

He texts back- “It’s cool I wasn’t feeling it either”

I texted- “ Okay lol” (because I obviously knew that was bullshit because he had texted he had fun and wanted to hangout again)

He texts- “Were you interested in either of my friends?” (Now trying to push me onto his friends which I suppose I understand but would I have ditched you guys if I was?)

I texted- “They were very nice but sorry not my type”

He texts- “Hey guys I tried she’s not interested in any of us.” (texting me on accident rather than his friends)

I texted – “lol”

That was the end of that conversation.

Okay, important lessons from this awful but comical experience. Do not meet someone if you really aren’t interested, it will just lead to an awkward situation which sometimes I live for because I love a good story… sue me.  Be honest, I was honest that I would probably ditch him… and I did… but I warned and felt guilt free. Make sure you check who you are texting before actually pressing send. Texting the wrong person like that can be such a big problem… thankfully for him it was just probably embarrassing (if he even realized) and he will never know the times I have retold this story for a good laugh at people’s stupidity.

Ever have this happen to you?

#dating #onlinedating #firstdate  #text  #textissue #wrongperson #notinterested #ditch #baddate