I have been on both ends of this issue. I have been the person who was looking for a relationship and invested months of time with someone who just wanted causal dating because committing was something they just were not ready for. At the same time, I have been that person who could not commit. It's tricky and frustrating especially when each party is interested but are looking for different outcomes. If you are looking for a relationship and do not want to get caught up investing months of time for no end result please read on...
1. You are never going to be able to truly change someones mind about whether they want to commit to you or not. If they do decide to commit before they are ready... odds are its going to end as quick as it started or it is just going to be a very unhealthy relationship because one party was not truly ready.
2. Ask the other person how long ago their last relationship ended. I can personally say I have gotten back on the online dating scene as early as 12 hours after a relationship ended (its a good distraction). Finding this out is key to know what they are looking for. Of course people can lie... who wants to answer "uhh yesterday." I'd say 6 months is a safe point to think this person is ready.
3. Ask the other person how long their last relationship lasted. This will tell you whether they can hold a relationship for a long time and how serious their last relationship was. My worst experience with someone who was not ready to commit was someone who had broken up with his girlfriend over a year before we met but they dated for five years. Remember the longer the relationship the longer it takes for someone to get over it.
4. Ask why they broke up. Most times you will get a vague answer to this questions but occasionally you will get a more in-depth answer. If they say their ex cheated on them, this could mean trouble. Most people after being cheated on have difficulty committing again because it is hard for them to trust someone.
5. If you have done all this and you have gone on a few dates then you are in the clear to simply ask, "What are you looking for?" You can ask this question before meeting but I believe you will get a more sincere answer after a few dates because at this point the person will know if you are someone they would be willing to commit to in the future.
Now what do you do if you are really interested in someone but they simply are not ready and have told you this. You have to do what you think is in your best interest. You have to remember as much as we wish and hope for someone to change their mind we are not miracle workers and eventually you will become frustrated with the dead end you keep approaching. I would never advise to cut and run when someone says they are not ready but I would advise leaving your options open. In my opinion if someone is willing to hangout occasionally and fool around but states they are not ready for a committed relationship there is more to it. You might not have the "It" factor that will push them to break their barriers down and go against what is stopping them from a relationship. It isn't your fault, its just sometimes there is just something missing. You really need to gauge it and remember that your emotional state and your interests is what you need to protect.
Like I have said I have been in both seats in this situation.
When you are the person not ready to commit...be honest. Tell people you are just dating and seeing where things go. Say that you are looking for someone who gives you that "whoa" factor. There is nothing wrong with that and in my experience sometimes makes people more interested because they want to be the one to be that "whoa" factor for you. Don't just stop talking to someone without explanation. If you feel you will never be able to commit, like I said be honest!
Now I have been in the other seat twice and both times the guy was semi honest. I am the type of person where I want to "fix" people. What I am learning with age, is a person needs to be willing to be "fixed" in order to get "fixed."
The first guy I dated for three months. He had been in a 5 and a half relationship that ended a year prior to us meeting but I learned over time that his ex cheated on him and that was his only real relationship. He explained that he wanted to take things slow. Slow was an understatement. I am no sex crazed person but 3 months of just making out made me near insane. I also wanted to figure out where the heck things were going. I told him I was going to end things because I couldn't handle it anymore and he cried that he was trying and for me not to give up on him. You would think, "Great! You had a break through!" That is what I thought, got my hopes up again to get a text a week later saying "I'm not ready for this." I asked for him to call me, he never texted back and never called, that was the last thing he ever said.
Guy number 2 I hung out with for about 4 months and he was.... Maybe too honest. I used to be a little bit of a heavier girl, never had an issue getting a date or a boyfriend but was not in my best shape. Me and this guy went on a few dates and started to get more serious and our dates became more frequent. Until one day he said things weren't working. The next day he texted and said he'd like to hangout to explain better what he meant. He had been a heavier guy before I met him and had lost a decent amount of weight. He shared with me that he was attracted to me but did not think he could commit to a heavier girl, most girls would have slapped him, I laughed. (His reasons were pretty in-depth and not entirely based off a superficial level) I had already started a new diet and a kickboxing program. I told him he should never say that to a girl ever again or I would kick his ass. Long story short, this was about a month in... I said I was working on losing weight so lets see where things go. I ended up losing 30 lbs and he expressed how he had never been more attracted to someone which I believe was sincere, why would he start lying now, but guess what? He still couldn't commit. At this point I threw in the towel because I was at my breaking point. I knew I could not handle anymore from this. And that was that.
So honestly... you can't assume because someone is on a dating site they are ready or looking for a relationship. Be inquisitive and an investigator. Know your limits. Do not get too involved in something that will bring you to the point you feel you can't get out. Remember there are soooo many people in this world, this one person driving you up a wall might not be worth it. Sometimes things are just missing....
#relationships #online #dating #onlinedating #aretheyready #commit #committing #honesty
Showing posts with label dating online. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dating online. Show all posts
Monday, March 4, 2013
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Check List: How to limit the chance of the person you are intending to meet is not a crazy person!
Hello!
So I think everyone has the same general fear when it comes to online dating... Will the person match the profile?! Well, thankfully in this day and age of technology it has become a little bit easier for you to help ensure you are truly meeting the person within the picture. I have been online dating for about 6 years now and even before then met people off such sites like, MySpace. Over the years I have compiled a checklist of musts... (sometimes exceptions apply) before I meet someone off a site. Remember, regardless of the checklist always trusts your instincts and be safe and conscious of the fact there is some truth in the motto we learned as kids "stranger danger."
1. When using Dating sites before responding to a message or messaging check their pictures. Make sure they have more than one. Make sure they are not just different angles at their desk. We want some one who gets out of the house and if their three pictures are all in the same room... probably a bad sign. I personally think it is a plus if they have other people in pictures with them. But many sites ban these types of pictures, so in order to ensure they are social and have friends we have other methods I will discuss.
2. Their profile. This comes from your personal preference but read it. Do not base someone solely off their picture. You would be shocked to learn how much some people are willing to share on their page and it might warn you to stay away. I have read some interesting things on profiles... from people strictly looking for a 3rd, people openly admitting they are married, people admitting to drug use, and so on and so forth. Like I said its your personal preference! I am not judging by any means but read it to see if this person is what you are looking for.
3. Messages. For Ladies I would not respond to a man who's message is "Hey Sexy" or "You have the most amazing profile I have ever seen"... let's be real they are sending these messages to every woman they pass through that tickles their fancy with hopes of getting a woman to fall for it. You want someone who took interest in a detail in your profile and took the time to write a thoughtful message. I have responded to generic messages before and the guy tends to be just that... generic. And ladies do not hesitate messaging a guy! I can personally say the three long term relationships I have gotten off a dating site have come from me messaging the guy... guys like a girl who can take initiative. Now fellas, read the ladies profiles. Take time and think out a witty message but do not make it too lengthy. You want to come off interested but not desperate. Try for one-three sentences and make sure you leave off with a question! You want to keep conversation rolling. Ladies and Gents questions are key! And fellas do not get intimidated by a woman messaging you... you are on a dating site and it means they are interested... its just making your job easier.
4. Facebook/Instagram. After you have talked to a person consistently on the site or via text. I personally do not think there is anything wrong with exchanging numbers early on. Phone calls and texts make it easier to get to know the person whom you are speaking with. But if you are talking to multiple people (which most people do when online dating) make their name in your phone something that will remind you of who they are... it's easy to lose track when you have no true face with the name yet. You should then seek if he or she has a Facebook or Instagram. In this day and age most people have a Facebook no matter their age. This will allow you to see if they have pictures with other people, if they have friends consistently within their pictures, if there are posts about different events on the wall, and so much more. If someone tells you they do not have a Facebook or Instagram it should always sets off a red flag in your mind. Does not mean you can not meet them... Just means you need to be a little more careful. Warning though... If you are not truthful with your profile pictures you have to be open to the fact that they will be seeing a lot more of your photos and if they don't find them attractive this might be the end of conversation. Don't get upset! Another key is understanding online dating is very superficial and people do not feel a connection to someone until meeting generally. People also like I said before typically are talking to more then one person... and often will just stop talking to someone if they meet the other first and have an interest... I am guilty as charged for doing this.
5. So they don't have a Facebook. Well then you should make sure you talk to them on the phone. And inquire for more pictures. If they are texting you while they are at the gym... tell them to take a picture and send it. Or if they are out with their friends say take a group shot! Make sure you do this various times to ensure the person is really the person they say they are. You could also do a face time or web cam chat with them.
6. Meeting someone in person. Okay so let's recap. You have ensured they have numerous photos, their profile meets your fancy, you have spoken at length, they have a Facebook or have proven enough to you that they have friends and they are who they say they are and most importantly your instincts tell you its okay to meet this person. Make sure you meet someone in public for your first meeting. Tell a friend where you are going and the time you are going to be there. This goes for ladies and gentlemen... guys do not think that only girls can get kidnapped or killed. I suggest making a safe word with a friend to text about 15 minutes into the date to let your friend know you are okay. Ladies do not let the guy pick you up on your first date and guys you can offer but be understanding when the woman wants to meet at the location. It is also okay to let your date know you are telling someone where you are. If this bothers them... a red flag should be going off. Most typical people will understand you are being safe and want to ensure your safety.
Remember like I said this is to limit your chances of meeting a crazy person... Very typical social people can live a double life. This is to help your odds of meeting someone who meets your interest and is actually looking for what you are looking for. But always... trust your instincts. :)
#dating #onlinedating #checklist #couples #online
So I think everyone has the same general fear when it comes to online dating... Will the person match the profile?! Well, thankfully in this day and age of technology it has become a little bit easier for you to help ensure you are truly meeting the person within the picture. I have been online dating for about 6 years now and even before then met people off such sites like, MySpace. Over the years I have compiled a checklist of musts... (sometimes exceptions apply) before I meet someone off a site. Remember, regardless of the checklist always trusts your instincts and be safe and conscious of the fact there is some truth in the motto we learned as kids "stranger danger."
1. When using Dating sites before responding to a message or messaging check their pictures. Make sure they have more than one. Make sure they are not just different angles at their desk. We want some one who gets out of the house and if their three pictures are all in the same room... probably a bad sign. I personally think it is a plus if they have other people in pictures with them. But many sites ban these types of pictures, so in order to ensure they are social and have friends we have other methods I will discuss.
2. Their profile. This comes from your personal preference but read it. Do not base someone solely off their picture. You would be shocked to learn how much some people are willing to share on their page and it might warn you to stay away. I have read some interesting things on profiles... from people strictly looking for a 3rd, people openly admitting they are married, people admitting to drug use, and so on and so forth. Like I said its your personal preference! I am not judging by any means but read it to see if this person is what you are looking for.
3. Messages. For Ladies I would not respond to a man who's message is "Hey Sexy" or "You have the most amazing profile I have ever seen"... let's be real they are sending these messages to every woman they pass through that tickles their fancy with hopes of getting a woman to fall for it. You want someone who took interest in a detail in your profile and took the time to write a thoughtful message. I have responded to generic messages before and the guy tends to be just that... generic. And ladies do not hesitate messaging a guy! I can personally say the three long term relationships I have gotten off a dating site have come from me messaging the guy... guys like a girl who can take initiative. Now fellas, read the ladies profiles. Take time and think out a witty message but do not make it too lengthy. You want to come off interested but not desperate. Try for one-three sentences and make sure you leave off with a question! You want to keep conversation rolling. Ladies and Gents questions are key! And fellas do not get intimidated by a woman messaging you... you are on a dating site and it means they are interested... its just making your job easier.
4. Facebook/Instagram. After you have talked to a person consistently on the site or via text. I personally do not think there is anything wrong with exchanging numbers early on. Phone calls and texts make it easier to get to know the person whom you are speaking with. But if you are talking to multiple people (which most people do when online dating) make their name in your phone something that will remind you of who they are... it's easy to lose track when you have no true face with the name yet. You should then seek if he or she has a Facebook or Instagram. In this day and age most people have a Facebook no matter their age. This will allow you to see if they have pictures with other people, if they have friends consistently within their pictures, if there are posts about different events on the wall, and so much more. If someone tells you they do not have a Facebook or Instagram it should always sets off a red flag in your mind. Does not mean you can not meet them... Just means you need to be a little more careful. Warning though... If you are not truthful with your profile pictures you have to be open to the fact that they will be seeing a lot more of your photos and if they don't find them attractive this might be the end of conversation. Don't get upset! Another key is understanding online dating is very superficial and people do not feel a connection to someone until meeting generally. People also like I said before typically are talking to more then one person... and often will just stop talking to someone if they meet the other first and have an interest... I am guilty as charged for doing this.
5. So they don't have a Facebook. Well then you should make sure you talk to them on the phone. And inquire for more pictures. If they are texting you while they are at the gym... tell them to take a picture and send it. Or if they are out with their friends say take a group shot! Make sure you do this various times to ensure the person is really the person they say they are. You could also do a face time or web cam chat with them.
6. Meeting someone in person. Okay so let's recap. You have ensured they have numerous photos, their profile meets your fancy, you have spoken at length, they have a Facebook or have proven enough to you that they have friends and they are who they say they are and most importantly your instincts tell you its okay to meet this person. Make sure you meet someone in public for your first meeting. Tell a friend where you are going and the time you are going to be there. This goes for ladies and gentlemen... guys do not think that only girls can get kidnapped or killed. I suggest making a safe word with a friend to text about 15 minutes into the date to let your friend know you are okay. Ladies do not let the guy pick you up on your first date and guys you can offer but be understanding when the woman wants to meet at the location. It is also okay to let your date know you are telling someone where you are. If this bothers them... a red flag should be going off. Most typical people will understand you are being safe and want to ensure your safety.
Remember like I said this is to limit your chances of meeting a crazy person... Very typical social people can live a double life. This is to help your odds of meeting someone who meets your interest and is actually looking for what you are looking for. But always... trust your instincts. :)
#dating #onlinedating #checklist #couples #online
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)