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Thursday, February 28, 2013

The unfortunate truths of online dating: Why haven’t they texted me

The truth is you will never know the answers to the many “why” questions that are associated with online dating. The difference between online dating and meeting someone at a bar is the personal interaction which instantly develops a relationship. When you meet someone online you are simply a number or profile picture until the first encounter.  So when someone never texts you but will always respond when you text, when someone just randomly stops responding after weeks of great conversation, and when someone blows off your plans three or four times… You sit and wonder Why?!?! I have had friends approach me and ask for advice on numerous occasions asking "why" questions similar to those. I always explain it in a similar fashion, online dating is tricky and you can’t take it personally. People are most likely talking to other people, life happens and people get distracted, and people do actually get busy with work/school and get sick. The truth of the matter is, LIFE HAPPENS! The key is not to get that invested until you meet someone and know that something is actually there and to make sure you don’t instantly think the worst when they don’t answer your text within 15 minutes. I’ll go over some potential situations and some ways to handle situations when you are left wondering "why". 

Situation 1: You are always the one initiating conversation.
This one is honestly tricky and the rules apply differently for guys than ladies. Ladies expect the guy to text them and guys are more laid back and won’t even notice at times if they are always initiating conversation.  Ladies you need to remember not to get invested. You can keep initiating and attempt one hangout session or suggest one date. If he does not take the bait then drop it, if his reason is legit he will come after you and start initiating but most likely he isn’t all that interested and is just filling in his day at work with responding to your texts because, let’s be honest people like attention.  Gentlemen, woman expect you to text. So you should not worry as much if you are always initiating conversation. But if you notice you have tried arranging a date and she is not jumping at the opportunity then you might want to take a step back with an open ended, “Well, you let me know when you are free and we can get that coffee, ” placing the ball in her court. Placing the ball in her court will then eliminate the why she just might not have it in her to tell you she is not interested anymore.

Situation 2: Someone stops texting after weeks of conversation.
“Like I just don’t get it we were talking and everything was going so well, why aren’t they answering??”
Well, things are truly not going well until there is one date and a conversation after that first date. Like I have said and will say countless times more, the majority of people online dating are talking to more than one person and will drop communication with whomever else if they meet someone and have a somewhat of a connection. Don’t take it personally!!!!!! They have never met you! Move on to the next and be done with it. I have been the person to text someone a few weeks later saying something like “Hello stranger what ever happened” and I have gotten a response… but at that point do you want to meet someone like that ? Someone who comes up with a bull shit response that life has been busy the past two weeks? Nope.  So don’t even bother.

Situation 3: When someone blows off plans.
So you have gotten to the point in conversation where you are comfortable and want to meet the other person.  You make plans and the other person keeps cancelling last minute with different excuses. Now many things could be taking place. This person could be scared, busy, has no interest in ever meeting but enjoys conversation, is currently in a sticky situation with another person that is back and forth, or just simply flaky. Whatever the reason, you do not want to waste time getting to know someone for weeks or months if you are never going to get to meet them. After the third or fourth attempt straight out ask, “So are we ever going to get a chance to meet?” If they give a simple response like “Yea” or “Of course I’m sorry just been really busy.” You could respond with a genuine response similar to this based off the situation, “Okay good because I am looking forward to meeting you just seems you are always busy and I’m not sure if that’s the case or if you are nervous about meeting or maybe have something else going on but when you definitely have time get back to me and we will figure something out.” Then you need to be distant. You laid it out there that you wanted to meet.  You called out the busy and nervous factors and now you need to become distant and if they are truly interested they will make the effort. Honestly, odds are they won’t though.

If you are asking yourself anymore “Why” questions please comment and I’ll answer away… I am almost 100% certain I have been in the situation your questioning on numerous occasions. 

#advice #online #dating  #onlinedating #why #questions #datingadvice

Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Check List: How to limit the chance of the person you are intending to meet is not a crazy person!


So I think everyone has the same general fear when it comes to online dating... Will the person match the profile?! Well, thankfully in this day and age of technology it has become a little bit easier for you to help ensure you are truly meeting the person within the picture. I have been online dating for about 6 years now and even before then met people off such sites like, MySpace. Over the years I have compiled a checklist of musts... (sometimes exceptions apply) before I meet someone off a site. Remember, regardless of the checklist always trusts your instincts and be safe and conscious of the fact there is some truth in the motto we learned as kids "stranger danger."

1. When using Dating sites before responding to a message or messaging check their pictures. Make sure they have more than one. Make sure they are not just different angles at their desk. We want some one who gets out of the house and if their three pictures are all in the same room... probably a bad sign. I personally think it is a plus if they have other people in pictures with them. But many sites ban these types of pictures,  so in order to ensure they are social and have friends we have other methods I will discuss.

2. Their profile. This comes from your personal preference but read it. Do not base someone solely off their picture. You would be shocked to learn how much some people are willing to share on their page and it might warn you to stay away. I have read some interesting things on profiles... from people strictly looking for a 3rd, people openly admitting they are married, people admitting to drug use, and so on and so forth. Like I said its your personal preference! I am not judging by any means but read it to see if this person is what you are looking for.

3. Messages. For Ladies I would not respond to a man who's message is "Hey Sexy" or "You have the most amazing profile I have ever seen"... let's be real they are sending these messages to every woman they pass through that tickles their fancy with hopes of getting a woman to fall for it. You want someone who took interest in a detail in your profile and took the time to write a thoughtful message. I have responded to generic messages before and the guy tends to be just that... generic. And ladies do not hesitate messaging a guy! I can personally say the three long term relationships I have gotten off a dating site have come from me messaging the guy... guys like a girl who can take initiative. Now fellas, read the ladies profiles. Take time and think out a witty message but do not make it too lengthy. You want to come off interested but not desperate. Try for one-three sentences and make sure you leave off with a question! You want to keep conversation rolling.  Ladies and Gents questions are key! And fellas do not get intimidated by a woman messaging you... you are on a dating site and it means they are interested... its just making your job easier.

4. Facebook/Instagram. After you have talked to a person consistently on the site or via text. I personally do not think there is anything wrong with exchanging numbers early on. Phone calls and texts make it easier to get to know the person whom you are speaking with. But if you are talking to multiple people (which most people do when online dating) make their name in your phone something that will remind you of who they are... it's easy to lose track when you have no true face with the name yet. You should then seek if he or she has a Facebook or Instagram. In this day and age most people have a Facebook no matter their age. This will allow you to see if they have pictures with other people, if they have friends consistently within their pictures, if there are posts about different events on the wall, and so much more. If someone tells you they do not have a Facebook or Instagram it should always sets off a red flag in your mind. Does not mean you can not meet them... Just means you need to be a little more careful. Warning though... If you are not truthful with your profile pictures you have to be open to the fact that they will be seeing a lot more of your photos and if they don't find them attractive this might be the end of conversation. Don't get upset! Another key is understanding online dating is very superficial and people do not feel a connection to someone until meeting generally. People also like I said before typically are talking to more then one person... and often will just stop talking to someone if they meet the other first and have an interest... I am guilty as charged for doing this.

5. So they don't have a Facebook.  Well then you should make sure you talk to them on the phone. And inquire for more pictures. If they are texting you while they are at the gym... tell them to take a picture and send it. Or if they are out with their friends say take a group shot! Make sure you do this various times to ensure the person is really the person they say they are. You could also do a face time or web cam chat with them.

6. Meeting someone in person. Okay so let's recap. You have ensured they have numerous photos, their profile meets your fancy, you have spoken at length, they have a Facebook or have proven enough to you that they have friends and they are who they say they are and most importantly your instincts tell you its okay to meet this person. Make sure you meet someone in public for your first meeting. Tell a friend where you are going and the time you are going to be there. This goes for ladies and gentlemen... guys do not think that only girls can get kidnapped or killed. I suggest making a safe word with a friend to text about 15 minutes into the date to let your friend know you are okay. Ladies do not let the guy pick you up on your first date and guys you can offer but be understanding when the woman wants to meet at the location. It is also okay to let your date know you are telling someone where you are. If this bothers them... a red flag should be going off. Most typical people will understand you are being safe and want to ensure your safety.

Remember like I said this is to limit your chances of meeting a crazy person... Very typical social people can live a double life. This is to help your odds of meeting someone who meets your interest and is actually looking for what you are looking for. But always... trust your instincts. :)

#dating #onlinedating #checklist #couples #online