Search This Blog

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

How I got started: First Kiss

I was at my friends when we heard about a house party. My friend Megan explained to us, “Okay guys so there is a party at my friends house that I work with… rule though… No vomiting.” It seemed easy enough to all of us to agree that that was a simple enough rule to obey.
 We got some Mikes hard lemonade threw it in some water bottles and started drinking on our walk over. It was a nice cool day in May, sweatshirt and Capri weather. I remember this because I was wearing a band sweatshirt I had stolen from my sister because I thought it made me look cool. I was 15 at the time, end of my sophomore year of high school, not a care in the world.
By the time our walk was over we were all a little tipsy. We continued drinking among the many people at this party. It was very apparent that we were the youngest people at this party. It was my friends Stephanie, Megan, Krista and Matt with me. I cannot remember the details of the night but I do recall me breaking the one rule…
There I was on the front lawn puking my brains out. Megan next to me with Stephanie, I stuttered, “Im soooo sorry.” Megan laughed, she always does, she wasn’t upset with me. I was able to build some composure and go back inside. Now inside a big man approaches me, We will call him “Mike”, I do not recall his real name. He was one of the people whom was hosting the party. He was about 17 or 18 and had a pretty big build. He brings me into a room where my friend Krista and a guy were making out on a bed. King sized bed that is we proceed to go on the other half. Megan, some guy and Stephanie end up following us in and plop on the floor. This is when it happened…

Mike started to sweet talk me. Before this moment I had never kissed a guy, not even a peck. Little girls picture their first kiss over and over again. This is not how I ever imagined it to be. Drunk, puck mouth, with an overweight man who was clearly trying to take advantage of a drunk 15 year old girl. Hot! I know.

So we started to kiss. Don’t forget Krista right there next to me making out with her boy. Megan on floor with a boy trying to get in her pants as Stephanie lays with her head in Megan’s crotch to prevent it. And here I am drunkly having this man heavy breathing and slobbering all over my face. Next thing I notice is that he has whipped it out!! And takes my hand and puts it on it. I made a few movements with my hand on his junk. Then he tries undoing my button to my pants and slipping his hand down. I use my other hand to pull his hand away and I take my other hand away from his area. He quickly gets up angrily and proceeds to go to another room and I assume to rub one out. Later I find out he had tried to stick his hand down Stephanie’s pants and she had slapped him. Yup, and that is how I had my first kiss. 
Forever tainted.

#first #kiss #firstkiss #dating #party #drinking

Monday, March 4, 2013

Are they ready for a committed relationship?

I have been on both ends of this issue. I have been the person who was looking for a relationship and invested months of time with someone who just wanted causal dating because committing was something they just were not ready for. At the same time, I have been that person who could not commit. It's tricky and frustrating especially when each party is interested but are looking for different outcomes. If you are looking for a relationship and do not want to get caught up investing months of time for no end result please read on...

1. You are never going to be able to truly change someones mind about whether they want to commit to you or not. If they do decide to commit before they are ready... odds are its going to end as quick as it started or it is just going to be a very unhealthy relationship because one party was not truly ready.

2. Ask the other person how long ago their last relationship ended. I can personally say I have gotten back on the online dating scene as early as 12 hours after a relationship ended (its a good distraction). Finding this out is key to know what they are looking for. Of course people can lie... who wants to answer "uhh yesterday." I'd say 6 months is a safe point to think this person is ready.

3. Ask the other person how long their last relationship lasted. This will tell you whether they can hold a relationship for a long time and how serious their last relationship was. My worst experience with someone who was not ready to commit was someone who had broken up with his girlfriend over a year before we met but they dated for five years. Remember the longer the relationship the longer it takes for someone to get over it.

4. Ask why they broke up. Most times you will get a vague answer to this questions but occasionally you will get a more in-depth answer. If they say their ex cheated on them, this could mean trouble. Most people after being cheated on have difficulty committing again because it is hard for them to trust someone.

5. If you have done all this and you have gone on a few dates then you are in the clear to simply ask, "What are you looking for?" You can ask this question before meeting but I believe you will get a more sincere answer after a few dates because at this point the person will know if you are someone they would be willing to commit to in the future.

Now what do you do if you are really interested in someone but they simply are not ready and have told you this. You have to do what you think is in your best interest. You have to remember as much as we wish and hope for someone to change their mind we are not miracle workers and eventually you will become frustrated with the dead end you keep approaching. I would never advise to cut and run when someone says they are not ready but I would advise leaving your options open. In my opinion if someone is willing to hangout occasionally and fool around but states they are not ready for a committed relationship there is more to it. You might not have the "It" factor that will push them to break their barriers down and go against what is stopping them from a relationship. It isn't your fault, its just sometimes there is just something missing. You really need to gauge it and remember that your emotional state and your interests is what you need to protect.

Like I have said I have been in both seats in this situation.

When you are the person not ready to honest. Tell people you are just dating and seeing where things go. Say that you are looking for someone who gives you  that "whoa" factor. There is nothing wrong with that and in my experience sometimes makes people more interested because they want to be the one to be that "whoa" factor for you. Don't just stop talking to someone without explanation. If you feel you will never be able to commit, like I said be honest!

Now I have been in the other seat twice and both times the guy was semi honest. I am the type of person where I want to "fix" people. What I am learning with age, is a person needs to be willing to be "fixed" in order to get "fixed."

The first guy I dated for three months. He had been in a 5 and a half relationship that ended a year prior to us meeting but I learned over time that his ex cheated on him and that was his only real relationship. He explained that he wanted to take things slow. Slow was an understatement. I am no sex crazed person but 3 months of just making out made me near insane. I also wanted to figure out where the heck things were going. I told him I was going to end things because I couldn't handle it anymore and he cried that he was trying and for me not to give up on him. You would think,  "Great! You had a break through!" That is what I thought, got my hopes up again to get a text a week later saying "I'm not ready for this." I asked for him to call me, he never texted back and never called, that was the last thing he ever said.

Guy number 2 I hung out with for about 4 months and he was.... Maybe too honest. I used to be a little bit of a heavier girl, never had an issue getting a date or a boyfriend but was not in my best shape. Me and this guy went on a few dates and started to get more serious and our dates became more frequent. Until one day he said  things weren't working. The next day he texted and said he'd like to hangout to explain better what he meant. He had been a heavier guy before I met him and had lost a decent amount of  weight. He shared with me that he was attracted to me but did not think he could commit to a heavier girl, most girls would have slapped him, I laughed. (His reasons were pretty in-depth and not entirely based off a superficial level) I had already started a new diet and a kickboxing program. I told him he should never say that to a girl ever again or I would kick his ass. Long story short, this was about a month in...  I said I was working on losing weight so lets see where things go. I ended up losing 30 lbs and he expressed how he had never been more attracted to someone which I believe was sincere, why would he start lying now, but guess what? He still couldn't commit. At this point I threw in the towel because I was at my breaking point. I knew I could not handle anymore from this. And that was that.

So honestly... you can't assume because someone is on a dating site they are ready or looking for a relationship. Be inquisitive and an investigator. Know your limits. Do not get too involved in something that will bring you to the point you feel you can't get out. Remember there are soooo many people in this world, this one person driving you up a wall might not be worth it. Sometimes things are just missing....

#relationships #online #dating #onlinedating #aretheyready #commit #committing #honesty

Friday, March 1, 2013

Funny Date Experience: He thought he was texting his friend.

I felt the need for a quick date horror story I encountered that ended the following day with an extremely funny ending ….

So I had recently ended things with a guy I was “dating.” No titles were given, but we were  exclusively seeing each other for about 3 months.  He ended things by a simple text that read, “I’m not ready for this” and I never heard from again… but that is another story that will be told at a later date. Point being, after things ended I went back to my typical online dating rampage. I started messaging and responding to people like it was my job. Mostly I looking for distractions and potentially that next “mister right.” Well this man whom I started to talk to I knew off the bat I would not be entirely interested in but I was in the state of mind to “give people a shot.” This is one of the times I wish I would have followed my own advice and trusted my instincts.

His photos followed all my rules of having people in them, but he did not have a Facebook.  He explained since he worked with kids he did not want one for them to find which I found as a decent reason but it should have sent off a bigger red flag for me. We chatted on the site OkCupid for a few days then quickly exchanged numbers. Now I am not the best writer (which you are probably starting to notice if you have been reading my posts) but I am intelligent. This guy had no concept of anything and used slang left and right and sounded extremely (excuse my terminology) “ghetto.” We spoke on the phone and oh my goodness it was even worse. Everything was telling me "do not meet up with this guy." Well, it was Cinco de Mayo and I had plans to go bar hopping in a local port area with a friend. He called when I was driving home from work and asked what I was up to for the night, I expressed how I was going out with my friend. He instantly said, “I will get some friends together and meet you down there,” completely inviting himself.  I am a fairly honest person, sometimes too honest. I told him, “You can come down, but just warning I am going out with my friend and If we don’t stay with you guys do not take it personally, regardless it’s a fun area and you guys will enjoy it.” He responded, “So you are going to ditch me?” I responded, “Uhhh Potentially?” He decided to still come. I was dreading it before he even got there…..

I ended up meeting up with more people than just my one friend. We were all sitting at a big table in the back of a bar playing a card game when the guy and his two friends arrived. I could tell it was the same guy that was in the photo but those were definitely his better pictures. His friends were interesting fellas who barely spoke English and were of Indian descent. One of which looked to be in his 40’s and had his shirt half unbuttoned displaying his hairy chest… hot! And just an idea of my age at the time was 23 and everyone else was around the same age. They were extremely awkward and made passes at my friends whom I was with including the guy who was “supposed” to be interested in me. They made everyone at the table uncomfortable and by this time I was a little drunk, the guys got up to go to the bar to get another drink and our group found it a good time to exit…. Mean, I know, but C’mon I warned the guy before coming out and they were creepy. He ended up texting me asking where I went… I never responded… then texted again saying “I had fun let’s do it again” before the night was over… I was too drunk to respond. So I waited till the next day….

I am not the type of person to not text someone back, especially if I have met them in person. I believe honesty is the best policy but these few exchanges of texts are priceless…

He had texted about 1:30 am- “I had fun let’s do it again”

I texted back around 11am the next morning something like- “Hey, I am really sorry It was really nice meeting you but you aren’t really my type and I wouldn’t want to lead you on.”

He texts back- “It’s cool I wasn’t feeling it either”

I texted- “ Okay lol” (because I obviously knew that was bullshit because he had texted he had fun and wanted to hangout again)

He texts- “Were you interested in either of my friends?” (Now trying to push me onto his friends which I suppose I understand but would I have ditched you guys if I was?)

I texted- “They were very nice but sorry not my type”

He texts- “Hey guys I tried she’s not interested in any of us.” (texting me on accident rather than his friends)

I texted – “lol”

That was the end of that conversation.

Okay, important lessons from this awful but comical experience. Do not meet someone if you really aren’t interested, it will just lead to an awkward situation which sometimes I live for because I love a good story… sue me.  Be honest, I was honest that I would probably ditch him… and I did… but I warned and felt guilt free. Make sure you check who you are texting before actually pressing send. Texting the wrong person like that can be such a big problem… thankfully for him it was just probably embarrassing (if he even realized) and he will never know the times I have retold this story for a good laugh at people’s stupidity.

Ever have this happen to you?

#dating #onlinedating #firstdate  #text  #textissue #wrongperson #notinterested #ditch #baddate

Thursday, February 28, 2013

The unfortunate truths of online dating: Why haven’t they texted me

The truth is you will never know the answers to the many “why” questions that are associated with online dating. The difference between online dating and meeting someone at a bar is the personal interaction which instantly develops a relationship. When you meet someone online you are simply a number or profile picture until the first encounter.  So when someone never texts you but will always respond when you text, when someone just randomly stops responding after weeks of great conversation, and when someone blows off your plans three or four times… You sit and wonder Why?!?! I have had friends approach me and ask for advice on numerous occasions asking "why" questions similar to those. I always explain it in a similar fashion, online dating is tricky and you can’t take it personally. People are most likely talking to other people, life happens and people get distracted, and people do actually get busy with work/school and get sick. The truth of the matter is, LIFE HAPPENS! The key is not to get that invested until you meet someone and know that something is actually there and to make sure you don’t instantly think the worst when they don’t answer your text within 15 minutes. I’ll go over some potential situations and some ways to handle situations when you are left wondering "why". 

Situation 1: You are always the one initiating conversation.
This one is honestly tricky and the rules apply differently for guys than ladies. Ladies expect the guy to text them and guys are more laid back and won’t even notice at times if they are always initiating conversation.  Ladies you need to remember not to get invested. You can keep initiating and attempt one hangout session or suggest one date. If he does not take the bait then drop it, if his reason is legit he will come after you and start initiating but most likely he isn’t all that interested and is just filling in his day at work with responding to your texts because, let’s be honest people like attention.  Gentlemen, woman expect you to text. So you should not worry as much if you are always initiating conversation. But if you notice you have tried arranging a date and she is not jumping at the opportunity then you might want to take a step back with an open ended, “Well, you let me know when you are free and we can get that coffee, ” placing the ball in her court. Placing the ball in her court will then eliminate the why she just might not have it in her to tell you she is not interested anymore.

Situation 2: Someone stops texting after weeks of conversation.
“Like I just don’t get it we were talking and everything was going so well, why aren’t they answering??”
Well, things are truly not going well until there is one date and a conversation after that first date. Like I have said and will say countless times more, the majority of people online dating are talking to more than one person and will drop communication with whomever else if they meet someone and have a somewhat of a connection. Don’t take it personally!!!!!! They have never met you! Move on to the next and be done with it. I have been the person to text someone a few weeks later saying something like “Hello stranger what ever happened” and I have gotten a response… but at that point do you want to meet someone like that ? Someone who comes up with a bull shit response that life has been busy the past two weeks? Nope.  So don’t even bother.

Situation 3: When someone blows off plans.
So you have gotten to the point in conversation where you are comfortable and want to meet the other person.  You make plans and the other person keeps cancelling last minute with different excuses. Now many things could be taking place. This person could be scared, busy, has no interest in ever meeting but enjoys conversation, is currently in a sticky situation with another person that is back and forth, or just simply flaky. Whatever the reason, you do not want to waste time getting to know someone for weeks or months if you are never going to get to meet them. After the third or fourth attempt straight out ask, “So are we ever going to get a chance to meet?” If they give a simple response like “Yea” or “Of course I’m sorry just been really busy.” You could respond with a genuine response similar to this based off the situation, “Okay good because I am looking forward to meeting you just seems you are always busy and I’m not sure if that’s the case or if you are nervous about meeting or maybe have something else going on but when you definitely have time get back to me and we will figure something out.” Then you need to be distant. You laid it out there that you wanted to meet.  You called out the busy and nervous factors and now you need to become distant and if they are truly interested they will make the effort. Honestly, odds are they won’t though.

If you are asking yourself anymore “Why” questions please comment and I’ll answer away… I am almost 100% certain I have been in the situation your questioning on numerous occasions. 

#advice #online #dating  #onlinedating #why #questions #datingadvice

Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Check List: How to limit the chance of the person you are intending to meet is not a crazy person!


So I think everyone has the same general fear when it comes to online dating... Will the person match the profile?! Well, thankfully in this day and age of technology it has become a little bit easier for you to help ensure you are truly meeting the person within the picture. I have been online dating for about 6 years now and even before then met people off such sites like, MySpace. Over the years I have compiled a checklist of musts... (sometimes exceptions apply) before I meet someone off a site. Remember, regardless of the checklist always trusts your instincts and be safe and conscious of the fact there is some truth in the motto we learned as kids "stranger danger."

1. When using Dating sites before responding to a message or messaging check their pictures. Make sure they have more than one. Make sure they are not just different angles at their desk. We want some one who gets out of the house and if their three pictures are all in the same room... probably a bad sign. I personally think it is a plus if they have other people in pictures with them. But many sites ban these types of pictures,  so in order to ensure they are social and have friends we have other methods I will discuss.

2. Their profile. This comes from your personal preference but read it. Do not base someone solely off their picture. You would be shocked to learn how much some people are willing to share on their page and it might warn you to stay away. I have read some interesting things on profiles... from people strictly looking for a 3rd, people openly admitting they are married, people admitting to drug use, and so on and so forth. Like I said its your personal preference! I am not judging by any means but read it to see if this person is what you are looking for.

3. Messages. For Ladies I would not respond to a man who's message is "Hey Sexy" or "You have the most amazing profile I have ever seen"... let's be real they are sending these messages to every woman they pass through that tickles their fancy with hopes of getting a woman to fall for it. You want someone who took interest in a detail in your profile and took the time to write a thoughtful message. I have responded to generic messages before and the guy tends to be just that... generic. And ladies do not hesitate messaging a guy! I can personally say the three long term relationships I have gotten off a dating site have come from me messaging the guy... guys like a girl who can take initiative. Now fellas, read the ladies profiles. Take time and think out a witty message but do not make it too lengthy. You want to come off interested but not desperate. Try for one-three sentences and make sure you leave off with a question! You want to keep conversation rolling.  Ladies and Gents questions are key! And fellas do not get intimidated by a woman messaging you... you are on a dating site and it means they are interested... its just making your job easier.

4. Facebook/Instagram. After you have talked to a person consistently on the site or via text. I personally do not think there is anything wrong with exchanging numbers early on. Phone calls and texts make it easier to get to know the person whom you are speaking with. But if you are talking to multiple people (which most people do when online dating) make their name in your phone something that will remind you of who they are... it's easy to lose track when you have no true face with the name yet. You should then seek if he or she has a Facebook or Instagram. In this day and age most people have a Facebook no matter their age. This will allow you to see if they have pictures with other people, if they have friends consistently within their pictures, if there are posts about different events on the wall, and so much more. If someone tells you they do not have a Facebook or Instagram it should always sets off a red flag in your mind. Does not mean you can not meet them... Just means you need to be a little more careful. Warning though... If you are not truthful with your profile pictures you have to be open to the fact that they will be seeing a lot more of your photos and if they don't find them attractive this might be the end of conversation. Don't get upset! Another key is understanding online dating is very superficial and people do not feel a connection to someone until meeting generally. People also like I said before typically are talking to more then one person... and often will just stop talking to someone if they meet the other first and have an interest... I am guilty as charged for doing this.

5. So they don't have a Facebook.  Well then you should make sure you talk to them on the phone. And inquire for more pictures. If they are texting you while they are at the gym... tell them to take a picture and send it. Or if they are out with their friends say take a group shot! Make sure you do this various times to ensure the person is really the person they say they are. You could also do a face time or web cam chat with them.

6. Meeting someone in person. Okay so let's recap. You have ensured they have numerous photos, their profile meets your fancy, you have spoken at length, they have a Facebook or have proven enough to you that they have friends and they are who they say they are and most importantly your instincts tell you its okay to meet this person. Make sure you meet someone in public for your first meeting. Tell a friend where you are going and the time you are going to be there. This goes for ladies and gentlemen... guys do not think that only girls can get kidnapped or killed. I suggest making a safe word with a friend to text about 15 minutes into the date to let your friend know you are okay. Ladies do not let the guy pick you up on your first date and guys you can offer but be understanding when the woman wants to meet at the location. It is also okay to let your date know you are telling someone where you are. If this bothers them... a red flag should be going off. Most typical people will understand you are being safe and want to ensure your safety.

Remember like I said this is to limit your chances of meeting a crazy person... Very typical social people can live a double life. This is to help your odds of meeting someone who meets your interest and is actually looking for what you are looking for. But always... trust your instincts. :)

#dating #onlinedating #checklist #couples #online