I have been on both ends of this issue. I have been the person who was looking for a relationship and invested months of time with someone who just wanted causal dating because committing was something they just were not ready for. At the same time, I have been that person who could not commit. It's tricky and frustrating especially when each party is interested but are looking for different outcomes. If you are looking for a relationship and do not want to get caught up investing months of time for no end result please read on...
1. You are never going to be able to truly change someones mind about whether they want to commit to you or not. If they do decide to commit before they are ready... odds are its going to end as quick as it started or it is just going to be a very unhealthy relationship because one party was not truly ready.
2. Ask the other person how long ago their last relationship ended. I can personally say I have gotten back on the online dating scene as early as 12 hours after a relationship ended (its a good distraction). Finding this out is key to know what they are looking for. Of course people can lie... who wants to answer "uhh yesterday." I'd say 6 months is a safe point to think this person is ready.
3. Ask the other person how long their last relationship lasted. This will tell you whether they can hold a relationship for a long time and how serious their last relationship was. My worst experience with someone who was not ready to commit was someone who had broken up with his girlfriend over a year before we met but they dated for five years. Remember the longer the relationship the longer it takes for someone to get over it.
4. Ask why they broke up. Most times you will get a vague answer to this questions but occasionally you will get a more in-depth answer. If they say their ex cheated on them, this could mean trouble. Most people after being cheated on have difficulty committing again because it is hard for them to trust someone.
5. If you have done all this and you have gone on a few dates then you are in the clear to simply ask, "What are you looking for?" You can ask this question before meeting but I believe you will get a more sincere answer after a few dates because at this point the person will know if you are someone they would be willing to commit to in the future.
Now what do you do if you are really interested in someone but they simply are not ready and have told you this. You have to do what you think is in your best interest. You have to remember as much as we wish and hope for someone to change their mind we are not miracle workers and eventually you will become frustrated with the dead end you keep approaching. I would never advise to cut and run when someone says they are not ready but I would advise leaving your options open. In my opinion if someone is willing to hangout occasionally and fool around but states they are not ready for a committed relationship there is more to it. You might not have the "It" factor that will push them to break their barriers down and go against what is stopping them from a relationship. It isn't your fault, its just sometimes there is just something missing. You really need to gauge it and remember that your emotional state and your interests is what you need to protect.
Like I have said I have been in both seats in this situation.
When you are the person not ready to commit...be honest. Tell people you are just dating and seeing where things go. Say that you are looking for someone who gives you that "whoa" factor. There is nothing wrong with that and in my experience sometimes makes people more interested because they want to be the one to be that "whoa" factor for you. Don't just stop talking to someone without explanation. If you feel you will never be able to commit, like I said be honest!
Now I have been in the other seat twice and both times the guy was semi honest. I am the type of person where I want to "fix" people. What I am learning with age, is a person needs to be willing to be "fixed" in order to get "fixed."
The first guy I dated for three months. He had been in a 5 and a half relationship that ended a year prior to us meeting but I learned over time that his ex cheated on him and that was his only real relationship. He explained that he wanted to take things slow. Slow was an understatement. I am no sex crazed person but 3 months of just making out made me near insane. I also wanted to figure out where the heck things were going. I told him I was going to end things because I couldn't handle it anymore and he cried that he was trying and for me not to give up on him. You would think, "Great! You had a break through!" That is what I thought, got my hopes up again to get a text a week later saying "I'm not ready for this." I asked for him to call me, he never texted back and never called, that was the last thing he ever said.
Guy number 2 I hung out with for about 4 months and he was.... Maybe too honest. I used to be a little bit of a heavier girl, never had an issue getting a date or a boyfriend but was not in my best shape. Me and this guy went on a few dates and started to get more serious and our dates became more frequent. Until one day he said things weren't working. The next day he texted and said he'd like to hangout to explain better what he meant. He had been a heavier guy before I met him and had lost a decent amount of weight. He shared with me that he was attracted to me but did not think he could commit to a heavier girl, most girls would have slapped him, I laughed. (His reasons were pretty in-depth and not entirely based off a superficial level) I had already started a new diet and a kickboxing program. I told him he should never say that to a girl ever again or I would kick his ass. Long story short, this was about a month in... I said I was working on losing weight so lets see where things go. I ended up losing 30 lbs and he expressed how he had never been more attracted to someone which I believe was sincere, why would he start lying now, but guess what? He still couldn't commit. At this point I threw in the towel because I was at my breaking point. I knew I could not handle anymore from this. And that was that.
So honestly... you can't assume because someone is on a dating site they are ready or looking for a relationship. Be inquisitive and an investigator. Know your limits. Do not get too involved in something that will bring you to the point you feel you can't get out. Remember there are soooo many people in this world, this one person driving you up a wall might not be worth it. Sometimes things are just missing....
#relationships #online #dating #onlinedating #aretheyready #commit #committing #honesty